Anger Musing

 

Over the last 45 years, sewing has taught me a lot of life's lessons.  Today, I've had to rip out too many seams due to sewing angry.  Never sew angry.  I stopped in time to keep myself from sewing right through my finger....time to take a breather and cool off.  I don't think sewing releases stress either, it just makes you more stressed and causes aches and pains in the joints, in the nooks and crannies of the body.  Yep, I gave up on sewing today.  Had to escape these walls.  Get out.  I put my gear on and headed out the door for a nice long walk, by myself.  To think.  Reflect.  Breathe.  Stay silent. 

Like the seam I sewed angrily and had to rip out.  How do I take away what was said?  Sewing a new seam is easy.  Faintly recognizing the minute holes left behind by the bad seam.   Words are like that, they resonate even though they were said an hour, month or years ago.  Words are the tools when distance separates.  Two words like "I'm sorry", isn't enough and certainly doesn't address the problem.  It's a start to a calmer conversation, you hope, but is trust lost?  Is confidence and respect lost?  If, that is, you ever possessed it?  

Trust is something you gain.  Respect is something you earn and give.  Confidence, however, is built.  To build it, you have to be seen, put yourself out there, be vulnerable.  Learn from failure.  Surrounding yourself with like minds, being open to critiquing criticism and growing from it.  Tools to ply both physically and mentally.  Confidence is a hard thing to build and can be torn down in an instant and sometimes on a daily basis.  In my experience, women of my generation have trouble with confidence and it's due to several issues.  Mine is congenital.  Suppression was a daily struggle in my childhood household.  Unfortunately, I carry this baggage around with me even today.  Whenever I speak to the last surviving parent I have, it comes flooding in spewing negativity and vile puss all over again.  These three things; Trust, Respect and Confidence...I've never possessed with direct correlation to this parent. 

Like a child, I retreat.  I become numb.  Silent.  Submerging myself in myself.  

I want to create;  expressing my emotions.  Not fully knowing where it will take me or how hideous it may become.  Facing the scary.  The horror.  Can I conquer the monster in time before I lose time?   If I create from the anger, will I finally be rid of it?   Getting it out away from within.  My hope is to embrace what remains.  Beauty.  Calm.  Peace.